Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Touch on My Life

For me, most of the mornings start by checking the mails. Today the first email that I opened was from ‘The Go-Giver Blog’.

‘Who in your life are the Go-Givers you’d like to acknowledge? ‘– Thus started the email.

For those who are not aware of ‘The Go -Giver’- it is a book written by Bob Burg and John David Mann – Simple story about a business idea - If you want a copy of the same, I might be more than happy to gift you. (Only for the first 2 requests! )

When I went through the email I started thinking about the people who touched my life. There are many who have left marks in our life.

Now coming to the question of who is ‘the’ person who touched your life? – As of today when I look back, I can see clearly a ‘giving person’ who guided me with the light.

I did my studies at Cochin University for my bachelor’s degree. I am not sure whether I can say I ‘studied’ - it was more of self exploration through different forms from different angles towards life. In short, I kind of wasted the hard earned money of my parents without doing justice to what I was meant to do there in the campus. I was more into search for ‘meaning of life’, ‘why my life’ , ‘why engineering’, ‘why money’,..etc..etc..

Every day I had another ‘why’ question to answer. The search was more interesting than the electronics/ electrical/ instrumentation books. I even today don’t understand the essence of all the above said topics.

I didn’t know whether I was living. I am sure, I existed without realizing the state of existence. Most of those days were sleepless. The days-nights were full of thoughts, that too at the peak of randomness. The word ‘confused’ would be literally not enough to express that state of mind.
I climbed up the tree chopping off the branches which I climbed. There was no way to climb down.

Then at college, I met a person who seemed ‘human’ to me – Don’t mistake me, most of the people whom we meet have their own ‘masks’ and to see unmasked face is mostly not that easy.

The man without mask looked interesting to me.

I observed
I heard

I listened

He became a friend, a philosopher & a guide to me.

I was told ‘ to be aware that when I come down there would be some who would save me ’. I asked, ‘why I should be bothered about coming down?’. The answer was more interesting –‘I wanted you to be aware and that is all’.

All the roads were leading to empty places.
The walks towards nowhere made me tired
Each day was clueless, yet remained ‘self- gloried’ for nothing

Then came the light

Light took me to another land

Land gave me air to breath and space to occupy

Thanks to you sire for showing me the light..

I don’t have words of my own to say to you.

As Prof. K S Nair said, ‘I only hope I had some words made known as my own, to tell the truth of me!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Marriage: A personal view

My parents / relatives feel that I need to get married. They have started to check the horoscope match. However, I am devoid of any intentions to get married in near future.

My thoughts took me to a place where I started questioning my ‘eligibility’ for marriage.

Just for fun, I searched in google the word ‘marriage’. Ignoring the first two sponsored advertisement results the next one was the link to Wikipedia- - .

According to wiki the definition is as follows – ‘Marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged by a variety of ways, depending on the culture or demographic. Such a union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the marital structure created is known as wedlock.’

I am still unable to completely absorb the ‘idea’ of marriage.

Why do people get married? Is it like 90% of the crowd gets happiness if they get married and so you too need to? Some say it is the rule of nature to pass on your heritage and so you need to get married for perpetuating your genes??

Whatever may be the reason for getting married, I am not dwelling on the reasons to get married.

Instead, I am more interested in realizing or rather putting down the points that might declare the eligibility of someone to get married.

I realize that the inner self of identifying who you are would alter your instincts.

Today, you might be someone and tomorrow after reading some books, watching a movie, discussing new thoughts, etc you might be elevated to a position where you would be fed with new thoughts. Those thoughts would provoke your identity and might alter it to a different level altogether.

It might be the experiences, it might be the impressions of others around you, and it might be circumstances.

From Lalbagh

I might not be eligible because
  • I am still not convinced within myself with the theme of so called ‘unconditional love’ or legal or social union.
  • I am still not clear whether I can be (or become) a better half of an individual till my last breath.
  • I consider myself as a 'nomad' - I wish to roam endlessly.
  • I am more interested in roads which are unknown. - I don’t want to do a ‘wed lock’ in between which might lock my ‘freedom of nomadism’.
  • I might like more than one person at a time which might again be ‘wrong’ as per marriage acts?
  • I always wish to change and I prefer to ignore the condition of ‘not to change because you are married
  • I don’t want the clause ‘you are married’ to clutter any of my natural instincts or thoughts to get locked at any point in time.
What I might be eligible for:
  • To share time & space with a ‘human’ who is interested in spending time & space with me.
  • To be with someone who might be able to be 'happy' with me (after understanding my ineligibilities for marriage).
  • To be with someone who can appreciate the concept of ‘communication’.
I hate being lonely, so someday..

May be I might get ‘married’
May be ‘marriage’ might hunt me down
May be I will redefine ‘marriage’ and then accept it in my own way.

PS: All the above given thoughts are completely personal – this is just a reflection of true self. As I always do - comments, critiques, thoughts are welcome

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Holding Hands

From Sivanasamudra_Talakkavery_1Nov2009

Life moves on as we speak, it stops for no one. We come across many people in life. Some hit us hard, some moves with us never getting noticed, some washes us and some changes us.

Everyone have their own stories. The new stories give way to the old ones.

When you meet new people, their stories become a part of your life. They have their own ways to carve your life, which you yourself might not even realize.

We get close to some and we feel that we are ‘held’ by them.

However, sometimes we are so alone that the ‘holding hands’ are ‘off’ from us and we move on.

Perceptions might become different and so the interpretations…

Still Life move on.. Waiting for none... As long as we ‘live’..

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Right – An essential element

From Nature

Just finished watching a movie called ‘Flash of Genius [2008]’ – An amazing true story about a Prof who sued Ford Motors for stealing his invention.

For me the ‘right - wrong’ was always just a notion which is purely relative though we tell to kids to do the ‘right thing

What is this ‘right thing’ all about? – The Merriam Webster online dictionary gave the following definitions to the word ‘right

: being in accordance with what is just, good, or proper
: conforming to facts or truth: correct

However, can’t it be that this right-wrong notion is all linked to awareness?

The awareness creates the insight to come up with the true facts. When I say awareness it is about having a 360 degree view – a complete view – ‘the big picture’.

We are almost always limited with our views – I am limited by what I am due to my the thoughts & ideas that I carry.

To sum up, the point that I realized is the ‘concept of right’ is nothing but an ‘essential element’ for existence, survival, acceptance and growth in this (so called) society.

Right – An essential element in the society!

Monday, August 03, 2009

Something about intuition

From Thiruvannamalai

Now time is 12:25 am in my laptop. Yesterday morning I woke up with a debate within myself. It was just like a dream but when I woke up I felt it was real. I was talking to myself about the spirituality and the intuition.

Is the spirituality or the power within related to our self by any chance? Or is it just some kind of off-shoot???

Can we trust our own intuitions? Are all the intuitions true?

I wonder why I am having a conflict within myself about my own thoughts - But this is life.

Life is about learning and life is long. It is all about how we see it from different angles.

I am not sure what the intuition is all about, but I need to know why my intuitions were wrong at some point in time. Now I doubt my own intuition.

Is it that the intuition is beyond the reasoning? Is it that the intuition exists in a plane where the cause and the effect don’t exist at all?? What is this intuition by the way?

Can anyone explain to me and help me in my research towards this so called ‘Intuition’ which is supposed to be beyond the thoughts and reasoning and the causes in this universe?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Today Ajit explained to me the difference between a CTO and a CIO.

According to him, the CTO is supposed to be a techie who would be best in understanding the latest technologies and bringing the right technology to support the organization.

The CIO on the other hand is responsible for bridging the gap between the Technology Domain and the Business.
CIO would be assisted by CTO from the technical perspective and he is responsible for envisaging the business needs and ensuring that the IT setup is ready for delivering the required business needs.

After a very long time, I felt for something which I might even consider 'becoming'.

CIO role is something which I could aspire for!! – I am so excited about the technology and the impact it can create on business.

Idea is the limit which might limit you from growing.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Meaning of Life: A Perception

From Nature

I am hunted by a question. The same question kept on coming to me ever since I was a kid. The question went to sleep on the course of busy life. Now one fine morning it pops up and then again starts it game. It was in hibernation for long time. I wonder why it woke up now.

Now, after several years it comes from within me and keeps murmuring in my head. ‘ What is the meaning of this life ?‘ It demands an answer as if I am keeping it as a secret. Its behaviour makes me feel it is a part of me.

According to my learning there are two broad answers to it.

1. The first answer: The life is deterministic and everything happens for a reason. It is just that we are unable to connect the dots. When the time comes we would be able to connect the dots and see the whole picture . Until then we would just need to believe that everything is for good and there is a purpose why we are here right now on this planet.

2. The second answer: There is no meaning as we see. Life happens just for no reason. It is just some randomness and we just live a mundane life for the sake of living . Just for our own consciousness we would be creating some meaning due to the circumstances and the inputs that we get from this universe.

Though I would prefer to have the first answer as the right answer, I feel there wouldn’t be any right or wrong answer in specific to this question. It is just the way we see it.

May be I am at a junction and I feel confused from inside.
May be the burning need for finding the meaning of life is just crazy
May be Life does carry some meaning!

I am still searching…
It is not about the answer but about the quest for the answer..
The quest to quench the thirst…Not about the thirst…

1. If you didn’t understand what I wrote above, ‘consider all of it as just nonsense.
2. If you did understand what I wrote above, ‘it might be nothing new to you. You might be aware of it already!'

Saturday, April 04, 2009


From Punchakary

We all have expectations about our future. We dream, plan and wait for things to happen.

What will happen when you realise your expectation went wrong?

We expect things based on some logic. The expectations are almost always based on some thinking/ analysis.

Expectations are formed from a chain of events/ thoughts which would bring us to a state where we foresee or we await something else to happen.

What if we comprehended the events in a wrong way or we didn't perceive the events in a right sense? May be we that is why we landed up on a wrong expectation?

Well, once you realise your expectation was wrong - it is not that easy to accept it. It pains. It leaves us in questioning mode -'what did we do wrong?', 'where did we go wrong?', etc

It hurts to accept a deviation from the expectation. But the learning you get from this realisation of being on the 'wrong' side to expect is immense.

May be nature is trying to make us immune

May be it's a junction where you got a chance to stop and check whether you took the right road

A chance to take a U turn or may be take a right or left!

A chance to reflect on yourself

A chance to correct your expectations!

A chance to learn

I thought, I realised, and I am still learning.

Friday, April 03, 2009


From Single

Sometimes we feel really calm when we are with someone.

I am not talking about expecting something from a person and being with that person.

I am just talking about being with a person with kind of no expectation - only thing that you expect is to be with the person for that moment. I mean, just be with the person and just feel the presence.

In my life I rarely feel better due to someone else presence. Sometimes we see a person and we feel really calm. I mean we don't talk, we don't interact, it is just being with that person.

The presence of another person may feed the soul.

We might not be able to find a reason in particular why it is so.

Why is it so?

There are things which are above our level of understanding. There are things which are still unknown.

The truth remains the same - we feel better due to someone's presence.

'I felt the calmness'

May be someday I would understand why I felt calm

May be I would become more calm in days to come

May be 'nature' would offer me calmness ever after

Thursday, April 02, 2009


Life is never as we expect.

We think we are normal and we do things thinking that we do is right. At times we act differently.

I did hurt a person who is so close to me. I didn't do it on purpose at all. It just happened.

How can I stop hurting people who are close with me? How can I change ??

You know, sometimes we just feel that we are doing the right things and we do it. But later we realise that this is not what we expected to happen as end result.

We take decisions by ourself and the consequences due to that affect people around us.

I want to take care of people around me.

I want to give the care.

But how come I am not like what I think of myself to be ???

I wish I will have the strength to pardon me for hurting people close to me.

I wish I wont repeat this again.

I need a guiding light to guide me

I know I will see the light and it would guide me till I breath..


I realised that the blink might not work always. - kindly refer my earlier post which I wrote 2 years back about blink -

Sometimes we feel that the things are so +ve and it gets into a paradigm shift all of a sudden. We don't even realise how such a change happened so fast.

If we learn that our own judgement goes for a toss, what shall we do??

I am yet to find an answer for that.

My instincts are coming out to be wrong.

What shall I do to correct my instincts ? I really need to learn that.

It is a great realisation to know that my instincts can also go wrong.

How do you correct your instincts ? Is it possible? Is instinct completely based on genetic?

I am searching...

I feel better now - I now found a gap in me which is so huge, which needs to be fixed.

I need to change and I know I will - no matter how long it takes.

PS: Thanks my friend for pointing out. I am still learning to be better and I would struggle to be better. I wish I would keep growing better.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

The learning

From Thiruvannamalai

Ajit asked me 'What did you learn today?'. Simple the question, tougher the answer. :-)

My mind went into a search mode to find an answer to this question. I started screening activities that I did from the morning. Ok, I woke up .. I came to office.. I started doing this.. I completed this… etc etc…

'Did I try anything new today?’ I asked myself.

Hey no, why should I try something new? ‘, ‘did i get an option or choice to do something new?’, ‘No, your life is becoming monotonous and it is not my mistake’- it answers back!

So now I try to do new things- Just to find the learning for the day. I feel I should start another blog just as my diary exclusively for ‘learning’. It would be so interesting to post the everyday learning every day!

Each day gives us an opportunity to try new things and it is just up to us whether we tap it or not!

Saturday, March 07, 2009

The Conversation - Butterfly & Pupa

From Macro

I am born and brought up in a set up which has a set of beliefs. It is so hard to break those and get out of it. I am just talking about breaking ‘few’ of those not ‘all’. Still it is so tough for me to change my thought pattern.

Let me say the fight is between new one (butterfly) and the old one (pupa), both inside me.

The butterfly says, ‘hey you try this, it is gonna work. You never tried this before’. At the same time pupa says, ‘hey you failed last time and so don’t ever think of trying. See, this happened to you earlier too. You didn’t listen to me and you know what happened!!’

Yesterday morning, I really really faced the same situation. But somehow I decided to go with the butterfly’s argument. I tried to keep the pupa mum by finding reasons. I wonder now why I needed to find reasons to convince myself and that too just within me!

I wished to cease viewing things from the pupa’s angle. So I initiated a conversation between pupa and butterfly only with the motive of convincing the butterfly. The talk was like this…

Butterfly: So you are going to do this today

Pupa: No no.. not today. Today you have some important meetings so don’t ever try this today. May be some day later you can try.

Butterfly: Hey if you don’t take a risk and do it today, when are you gonna change? At least you should try.. Else you are never gonna come out of your old thoughts.

Pupa: Don’t ever buy whatever butterfly says. It never worked for you earlier.. And remember today is so important to you - you have meetings and that too so important ones.

Butterfly: Come on, pupa is just trying to stop you from growing up. Stand up .. Try something new. Even if it fails it would be a new experience. Now it is not like the olden days any more. You have changed and so the circumstances. So try new things. And you would definitely learn from the failures and they are your steps for success…

I finally bought the butterfly’s argument and went ahead and took the risk of trying new things!

Try new things.. Even if you fail.. At least you tried and you experienced and that is definitely going to help you next time..- I mean to win next time!!

World is wide open for you.. And change is inevitable! All that matters is how you change.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


From Punchakary

Thought and thinking are mental forms and processes, respectively ("thought" is both.) – Says Wikipedia

I think 'Thinking' is one of my key assets, the most precious one that I possess. Most around me complain, ‘You think too much?’, ’Why do you think too much?’ . Well for me it is the most natural thing.

I don’t feel I think deep, I just reflect. We perceive, learn and then think to arrive at a reason. Thinking involves the manipulation of information. I try to match things and see the patterns – mix, merge, sort, shift….

Maybe I love the idea of thinking and I am not really ‘thinking’.
Maybe I live in a world of thoughts where air whispers the words on to my ears.
Maybe I built my world with those thoughts
Maybe that is the palace where I am living and where I would be living too
Maybe this is just me

Thinking about thinking itself seems to be interesting to me.

'Cogito, ergo sum' (English: "I think, therefore I am") -Rene Descartes

The simple meaning of the phrase is that if someone is wondering whether or not he exists, that is in and of itself proof that he does exist (because, at the very least, there is an "I" who is doing the thinking).

No matter what, I still think of pursuing psychology. It just fascinates me.

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