Friday, July 30, 2010

My Life's Value

I see millions of people around me. I am trying hard to find my ‘value’ of existence among the millions.
In my today’s flight from Bangalore to Trivandrum, it halted at Chennai for about an hour.

I witnessed the group of people who are involved in the logistics/ technical support for the flight. If there are more than 200+ people involved in just a small flight which carries around 100 people, just think about the world.

If this is the case of a domestic flight, just think about the international flights which touch multiple countries and several different nationalities.

I am just pondering on my value by existing on this world.

There are millions of people around and there are several people who are touching their lives – knowing or unknowing.

Whose lives am I touching?
Am I touching any one’s life at least?
Am I worth living in this world of billions?

How do I create a difference?- Do I need to?

What is this life all about? – If I am not making any difference to anyone?
Can someone comment on this?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Writer

You know, I think I am always prejudiced with my own impressions and thoughts. I have known Dhanya for last couple of years, but I never bothered to know her in anyway. Very recently, an incident happened where we kind of talked to each other. Oh don’t think we never talked before, well we talked in a literal sense without knowing each other.

I had different thoughts and views in my mind about her, which is like really different from what I have today due to the recent chat we had.

We always carry the mental picture and relate the same to the physical world. Our own opinions form a kind of layer which is tough to get removed.

First of all, we are afraid to expose ourselves to anyone for that matter. We cling on to ourselves and we are happy the way we are.

Dhanya recommended me to watch a movie called The Shadow Dancer (2005) – An amazing movie.

The gist of the story is about a writer who stopped writing after his wife’s death and an editor from a publishing company pursuing him to start writing again. In the end the publisher falls in love with the writer’s daughter and so on.

I am not too sure whether Dhanya knows that I love writing.

Lately these days, I feel the pain and I can’t even sleep if I don’t pin down whatever thoughts I have in mind. It is like I need to publish it in the world out there to get relaxed.

As Nikhil said, I do need to read wren n martin to learn the English language and grammar nevertheless I want to become a writer :)

I know I might be little greedy in thinking about becoming a writer in a world where thousands and thousands of writers are struggling to publish their books.

Still, I want to become a writer and a photographer.

Off late, may be due to the work pressure or maybe I am not able to find what I need from the work, I feel empty.

Each night when I reach room, all I want to do is to travel and exit this place, this work, this world by itself.

I want to explore, I want to see places, I want to write my experiences, I want to take photographs, I want to bring something else to my own life.

Should I be quitting my job, which is giving me bread to eat?

Should I be taking a vacation for which I need to borrow money from my friends?

I have no saving of my own; I am not that kind at all. - I just spend it as I earn – for the experiences

I am confused, and I have always been, I trust.

May be, I might take a break and meet some authors? Talk to them? Ask them whether they can guide me in writing?

What should I be doing?

One thing is clear, now I am not what I need to be. - Else these painful moments of self-doubt might not be happening with me, right?

PS: I know I am not a writer, perhaps I will become one someday.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Anonymous Ms.Salini

I got an email about a year back with the following content.

I am Salini. I met you once, long back with my friend. But no chance that u remember me. Like to know more about you. Hope you respond Thanks and Best Wishes Salini

And my response to this was “Is this a spam???



I never remember anyone called Salini whom I met. I was thinking that there was someone who had sent me an email by mistake. I told 'good bye' to Salini, since she never seemed to be interested in revealing her identity and I forgot about it during the course of time.

While I was clearing my mails several months before and I wrote this –‘Hello.. Are you still there? I was clearing my inbox and found your old mail about your anonymous identity???

And last month, I got a response –‘Hai, Felt like replying to your old mail, more than 4 months old. How are you? -Salini

I responded saying, ’How are you?? what is your real name and I feel good to know that such a person exists and it is not SPAM!’

Then came the following response –
Dear mr.Bharat Thank you so much. At last you wrote in a language by which people do communicate. And I feel softness in your words also. good! And another thing made me surprised is You asked me " How are you?" Very good. I feel excited by your mail. If you are free this weekend, can we meet somewhere? What do you say? I think that is the best way to reveal my identity.

Well, I honestly was taken completely aback. First of all I never remember meeting such a person called Salini and now this anonymous person wanted to meet me? That too the very next weekend? Oh no- I was not even convinced.

Finally after couple of emails the response vanished.

Even today I don’t know who this Salini is!
Don’t even know whether such a person really exists.

May be it might be some of my friends who wanted to prank
However, it is always interesting to think of someone whom you never know, who was in touch with you!


PS: This electronic world has brought in so much anonymity into our world and brought in so many borders to cross. - Interesting!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sinful

Is my life sinful?
Can I wash away all my sins?
What is this sin?

I touched the untouchables
I crossed all the prohibitions
I walked, I ran, I ran and ran again
Through all the possible ways
There was no restriction
There was illusion
People came to me
They all faked me
I allowed myself to get faked
Now I am alone
Earlier it was all clouded
Now the moods of cloud is changing
Now I can see the traces of sun
Streaks of light is coming in
Just to make me realize
Realize the darkness
I am just waiting
Waiting for the reality
What is real?
I have been myself
Myself, in my whole life
Will being myself will wash away the darkness
Will being myself redefine ‘sin’
Did I sin?
Life just happens
And moments just pass by
And Myself is all left
Myself and myself alone.
I embrace me
And we both are still walking
Walking towards the destiny
Awaiting the new surprises
Leaving the memories
And trying to be myself
Just myself and me!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

You

I was completely me before I met you;
You have shown me your world;
Strange was the journey towards the your world;
I was clueless, aimless, but you levitated me;
You imbibed me with a notion;
A notion which is nameless;
The walks that you had with me;
The chats that we had;
The moments that we shared;
Was it all just a coincidence?

I changed, without knowing why;
The things hided in plain sight came out visible;
Your world revolved around me;
And my world vanished to thin air;
I transformed, without my knowledge;
Spirits came to me from nowhere;
Bringing the life to matter which never existed;
I was mindless;
You painted on my minds walls;
I still remember your brush strokes;
I still hold your unfinished paints;
The expressions that you left;
They remind me of you;
You touched my heart with your passion;
Your passion spread across me like fire;
You injected your wilderness on me;
Painful was it, yet sweet;
In the end when I looked around;
I was in a wonder world;
All created by you;
Now, I am not ‘me’ anymore;
Can someone help me to become me again?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Nick Mon's Suggestion

Nikhil P Kookkiri alias Nick Mon is one of my friends in Bangalore. He always plays a key role in motivation aspect.

For my blog posts he recently gave the following comment, "mathrubashayil ezhuthada..illankil oru Wren Martin medichu padikada...... Anyway...I appreciate ur attempt... I am sure you willl reach there one day...."

Translation goes like this– ‘You better write in mother tongue, else buy Wren n Martin and learn!

In fact during the initial days of blogging, I used to feel so complex about my substandard English writing skills.

However, as time passed, I think I got so accustomed to my way of writing, where grammatical / structural / other English mistakes became a common factor for any of my article.

I never felt awkward about it till date. I write what I know in a way which I would like to express.

Now, the time has come where it appears to me that people are getting ‘irritated’ by reading the article!! :-)

Now I am really thinking of starting the English lessons to write something!

Whether I will do it is a question? – Mostly due to negligence we keep postponing and it might never happen!

I am not sure whether I will learn from Wren n Martin!
Still I think I should seriously start thinking about improving!
Though it is not clear to me as of now how to do that?
Any suggestions on improving English writing skills?

PS:Nick's Buzz

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Curious

Today I went to an optical shop to change my broken lens. They asked me to wait showing a set of chairs. I sat in one among the unoccupied ones. While I was sitting there, I noticed a family entering the shop.

I saw a small boy around 4 to 5 years of age, clinging on to his mom and standing in a corner. He looked all over the shop.
You know his eyes was searching for something interesting. The sparkle was there in his eyes, I could notice.
Finally, after a long eye walkthrough he found an item in one corner near my seat. He slowly walked towards it.

It was nothing but a 'dustbin' with the pedal to open on the bottom. Initially he stared at it for some time- the green box with a black lever at the bottom.


He was so curious so he came over there and watched the dustbin box from different angles. It was like, he is seeing such an item for the first time in his life.

Then slowly he moved closer to it and then put his feet on the bottom lever.

I could see his smile when the black top moved upwards.
He peeped on to it and tried to see what was there inside the dustbin.
Seeing the empty tea cups he never got upset. He kept steping on the bottom lever and seeing the top opening and closing

I could see how amused and happy he was by doing it - So involved he was in just opening and closing

I wish we were curious like that!

Curious enough to enjoy each bit of life!

Somewhere during our journey didn’t we lose this curiosity ?

Are we still curious?

Are we still able to enjoy the small adventures of life? – Opening a dustbin? :-) or something similar!!

Story of Leaves

When wind came all the dry leaves went away with the wind
The rest dry leaves got burnt when the fire came
Now all I have is the ashes
Ashes of the leaves

Each bit of ash holds a story
A story of mystery
Most of it is precious
None of it will come again
All might have happened for a reason
A reason still unknown to me
The greener were the leaves when it was born
It enjoyed the sun, air, water
Then it became old and yellow
Yellow turned to brown
Brown turned to dry
Dry leaf fell down
Then came the wind and fire
Some went with the wind and rest got burned

Is leave’s life cycle complete?
Still remains the ash and the story with it
May be some day ash will get mixed with the soil
Soil might grow another plant
And then the green leafs will come again
Again with a story!

Friday, July 09, 2010

I. Me. Myself.

Have you watered the plants’, asked the elder sister to the younger one.

No I haven’t. Why don’t you water it’, said the younger one.

Well, I don’t need any rose flowers from it. If you want you water it’.

I would water it but it is mine and I will never give it to you. You water the other plant’ said the younger one. – She is in UKG (before entering the 1st Standard) and I was thinking how come she is saying all about ‘her and herself’.

May be she will be hardly 4 years or so.- Is it that we start thinking about ourselves and ‘ourselves alone’ even at this age?

Most of the time, we all are occupied by our own thoughts.

It is either about us or about our close friends or may be relatives?

Are we missing a big picture here?
Are we missing what is happening around us?
What is happening to this earth?
What is happening to the birds, tress, plants, air, water???

In a society where we blame the lack of time as a reason for many things, we have become so self-centered in many aspects.
I always had an impression that kids will share things and they had an Open mind.

Now, even the kids are talking about their happiness, their note book, their pencil box. – I mean it never occurred to me that the kids are so into themselves.

May be it is the society / parents who turn the kids to be thinking about them, themselves and themselves again?

May be it is our mistake to keep a society which won’t open up the kids mind to a broader spectrum than restricting them to think about themselves.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Addiction

One evening when I returned to my room during my Saudi Arabia life, I somehow felt really different that night.

During my stay there, the work gets finished only around 9 PM or so and I would be one of last person to switch off the lights and leave the office. Eventually I reach room late as well.

That specific evening, when I reached room, I felt an aura all around me. When I entered the room, I felt the thick warm air. I turned on the air conditioners and left my bag in some corner. Rest of the activities was like, throwing away the socks to one corner, leaving my blazer to another hanger and me laying down under the fan.

Though I was all alone that night, I felt like embracing the warm air in the room. I went to kitchen to cook something for me. The dinner turned out to be the Maggi noodles :-), yes Maggi is available in Saudi as well- but with a slightly different taste!

I got the ‘two minute noodles’ ready and I set the table. The atmosphere for the dinner was yet to be set.

1.Is the movie ready to be started
2.Is water right there on the specific glass which I usually take?
3.Is the hot noodle on the clean dry plate?
4.Is the cigar & lighter on place (Well this doesnt happen always!)
5.Last but the most important is the room ready with the right light settings on :-)

I felt so contented being alone and with everything there in place (where I want things to be!).

You won’t believe me, I felt so happy that night - after a long time. Oh no, don’t think I am a kind of person who always loves to be alone. There have been several days / nights when I preferred to have a company, however that night was special for some reason.


I got my batteries recharged
I loved myself and my aura around me
I love loneliness

It is tough to break it once you taste it!
The taste of bachelor life is lasts long
And I honestly feel it is ‘addictive’

PS: I was sharing the feeling of addictiveness of bachelor life to one of my colleague, Gautham Manohar and he being a bachelor completely agreed to the word ‘addictive!

Another Train Journey

‘Is this seat 9? This is my seat’, a dark young man came running after the train started. He was all sweat, he might have reached the platform late, I thought. I moved to the other seat and allowed him to sit where I was sitting. He is travelling with just one hand bag, he might be a frequent traveller. ‘Did he speak with you?, I needed to leave and he promised me that he will meet you after I leave.’, he spoke over phone. He must be referring to a business discussion.

‘vadai vadai vadai, uzhunnu vadai’, an young guy kept going through our compartment. His face looked very tired. May be he might have got a very tiring day. I peeped into his serving plate, it appeared full with lots of vadas filled with oil! Yeah man, I could see the newspaper which was full with oil.

‘Hello, I didn’t get the reply for my SMS till now.’ I heard a middle aged lady speaking over her phone sitting next to me. She kept herself immersed in her own world and her mobile- she might have got a new mobile? When she got a break, she kept winking at the baby sitting opposite to us.

The young couple tried to entertain their baby when he started to cry. His mom feeded him. He might have got his stomach full, he slept for some time. After a while again he started ‘eeehhh, eeehhh’, his dad took him towards the compartment door. His mom gave him a plastic glass to play around. He started staring at everything and got into a silent sleep on his dad’s shoulders.

‘all is well, all is well’, the hindi songs came out loud from an old man’s mobile phone.– See the world has undergone a drastic change with respect to technology. I still remember the days when people used to roam around with transistors!

Lots of ‘coffee coffee coffee’ and ‘kappi kappi kappi’ and ‘tea tea tea’ and ‘chaya chaya chaya’ kept coming in regular intervals till late night.

Around 7:30 -8 pm, I could hear ‘chicken, egg, veg biryani, biryani’! I never knew that all kinds of biryanis were served in the train from the pantry. I still remember the days when the veg and egg biryani was served. Now chicken biryani is also available? Hot and ready?

Then came ‘porotta, chapatti’, ‘porotta chapatti’. We do have lots of options for food while travel ling.

The old man sitting next to me bought the veg and he started having it. The middle aged lady got her bread packed and she had some few slices I believe- sorry I didn’t want to look into her plate- not a good manners no? :-) The young couple had their food packed and ready from home. The baby’s mom had the food sitting in the seat. However I could see his dad going out with a tiffin box, I was wondering why he was going out.

When I went to throw my coffee cup (oh yea, I had couple of Rs.5 coffee :-) – It is good to have a coffee which doesn’t taste like a coffee! ), I saw the kid’s dad sitting there and having the food. Don’t know why he sat their outside near the door and ate food. May be he like the cool night breeze along with the food!

It shows 8:45 pm in my laptop, and I am lying down in the upper berth and typing!


After several years, I traveled again in train.

I still remember my B.Tech days when I traveled a lot in train (Ernakulam to Trivandrum).

I changed, the train changed, the train booking became online, the people around me changed, the food served in train changed!

Is there anything which doesn’t change?

PS: My train - Kochuveli Express started from Bangalore at 5:15 pm yesterday and reached Trivandrum around 9 am today morning.

Friday, July 02, 2010

All for this moment!

I have visited Bahrain several times by now. However this time I am not feeling like exiting the country without pinning down some stories which I came to know.

You see different nationalities all across the gulf countries. In Bahrain, most of the bars/ restaurants you see mostly lady servers. You pick the nationality, they will be here.

Couple of times I have been to some kerala restaurants. In almost all of them you see keralite ladies serving for you! – They welcome you with a shake hand (I never knew that we had such a tradition though!), ask where are you from, which dish you would like to have, which beer/ hot drinks (they even recommend the best ones!)

The following are some of stories which was shared with me over my visits to this country.

A Srilankan Story:

Swapna is her name and she came about a year ago to Bahrain - Never married, no kids. She works in a kerala restaurant and the work hours are from 12pm – 3pm & 6pm-1 AM. She came here to work without knowing a bit of Malayalam language. Now she speaks and understands Malayalam in a ‘ok’ condition. She says she is here to save money for her parents and she is never going to come back to this country once she exits. The existing contract with her agent is which keeps her here. - The contract is for 2 years and they don’t have the freedom to exit the country in between at all.

A Keralite Story:

She came here about 6 years back and she keeps visiting kerala whenever any family event comes up. Being mother of 3 children, she says it is tough for her to spend time here - still, for money she need to do this is what she says. She asked, ‘which mobile is this? Is this really costly?’, when I was trying to make a phone call. ‘Why are you so much interested in the mobile models’, I asked her? ‘My sponsor who helped me to come to this country wanted a Rolex watch and a high end mobile phone, I am yet to buy for him’, she said.

A Thai Story:

Being a single mother and a student she was unable to bear the expenses in her own country. She came here about 7 months ago and is planning to stay till Ramadan. ‘My daughter is really cute, unlike me’, she says. I am working here my daughter and to earn enough money for continuing my studies back in Thailand. ‘I don’t like English, I like thai language’, but most of the people here wants me to talk in English, which I am trying to learn. ‘My English is bad no?’, she asks me. ‘No sleep, last two days’, she says.

A Chinese story:

My husband and daughter are there in china. My husband doesn’t help me financially so I came across this country to work. I don’t like to work here at all, but what to do, I need to earn money to feed my child. I want my daughter to get a better life than mine. So I work here and sent money to china for her expenses. If I don’t send money, my husband will hurt my daughter!

A Russian story:

She lives in a place near to Moscow and she came over here few years back. ‘Why do you look so sad’, I asked her. ‘I want to kill someone’, she said. I was really taken aback with this statement. ‘I don’t like this place, I don’t like the people, I hate my life and I need to work here for money, because I need to send money to Russia. The Saudi people when they visit here, they hurt us when they are drunk. I don’t like people who drink, they will not be in their senses, and they won’t have control. ‘ None in this world should drink!


All of them live their life for others in this world!

Most of them are here for their loved ones!

They suffer here and struggle here all for their kids

They all long for the moment when they will meet their kids after years and months.

Will their kids be aware of the struggles?

Will their kids and loved ones value them when they go back?

Is this life of struggle worth for the ‘moment’ when you meet them back in the native land?

May be every hardship you come across is worth enough for the ‘moments’ that you see them cherished!

Ps: Is this life all about earning money for your loved ones?

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Embracing the heat

I have travelled to couple of places like Yanbu, Jeddah, Riyadh, & Dammam in Saudi Arabia.- all are in different corners of the country!

At all the locations you can experience one thing in common - they were all really ' hot'.

When I say hot, it is like 51 degree hot!

Today, I had a different experience while having the walk at noon with sun right on top!

To my surprise I was feeling calm cool! No no I have not gone completely mad to feel cool at mid noon.

However, the point is I started liking the heat!

In India, I still remember the days when I cursed 30 deg heat and here I started liking the dry heat in this country.

The sand wind,
The climate,
The heat,
The smell of the sand when you take breath
You start embracing all of these..
You would feel it all over you,
And you might start liking it. - which you hated earlier..

Well, it appears to me that I am falling in love with this country/climate for some reason which I cant understand.

Is it that I am just embracing the heat to feel the heat which I never liked before?
Or
Is it that I am changing due to my stay here ?
Or
Is it that I have no other way to survive in this heat, so I started liking it?

I am not sure about the answer..

When we start doing things which we don’t like, we will never imagine that we would fall in love with it.

But when we live with it,
And when we leave it,
We will realize how attached we were
Even though we hated it earlier!

Unknowingly we start liking things which we disliked earlier!

Life is definitely 'Interesting;, isn't it ?

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